29

www.CSEcenter.org

to reach for the light switch where it 

was in your old place?  Our children 

have habits too, and some of them they 

learned from us.

As our child’s first teacher, how do 

we take this information and use it to 

support our children? Asking more 

and telling less begins to engage the 

prefrontal lobe of the brain, which 

helps children connect their actions 

to their thinking part of the brain. For 

example: How did you know Jeff needed 

your help? It was so thoughtful to help 

him carry his toys in from the car. These 

kinds of Target Talk statements can 

begin to develop compassionate habits 

in our children at an early age and 

provide feedback to them about our 

values and beliefs as a family.
KEY PRINCIPLES: 
• Start with a question when possible:

 How did you know how to be so 

generous?

• State the specific target behaviors

exactly as you would like to see them:

 Wipe your feet before coming in  

the house.

• Use a low key, matter of fact, manner

when talking to your child.

• Place the focus on the child’s compe-

tence with a “YOU” message:

 It was so thoughtful of you to help Jeff 

carry his toys in from the car.

• Time your Target Talk as close to the 

good behavior as possible.

• Include outcome or result words

 such as, thoughtful, caring, loving, 

generous, peaceful, calm, kind.

• More examples of Target Talk:

 Gabe, that was responsible of you to 

remember to wash the dish before 

feeding your kitties.

 Sally, sharing seemed easier today.  

How did you do that?

 What helped you remember home-

work first before calling your friend?

 Well organized this morning Rachel. 

How did you remember to put the 

books in your book bag and leave 

them right at the door?

OUTCOMES:
• Helps your children build inner

control 

• Brings spiritual awareness to you and

your children  

Start with positive "picture" words 

instead of words such as "don't" or 

"no." It is okay if your children don’t 

answer you; it’s how they are thinking 

about their behavior that builds the 

program. Saying, “Don’t step in the 

mud puddle” invariably has the child 

see the mud puddle and plop his foot 

right into it. Instead, accentuate the 

positive and tell your children what to 

do. 

Pat Belvel, TCI (Training and Consulting Insti-

tute Inc.) founder, offers Teacher & Parenting 

Workshops in school districts as well as Parent 

Coaching and Family Leadership Classes at work 

sites. Pat also serves as Professor and Supervisor 

of student teachers at San Jose State Univer-

sity and is the author of Rethinking Classroom 

Management & Family Leadership for Compas-

sionate Parenting. www.trngedu.com

If we are to have real peace, we must begin with the children.

—Mahatma Gandhi